Let’s see if I got this straight.

Katie Couric left the Today Show for a new gig, the coveted, vaunted role of evening newscaster, the first female in history to do so. Her first show was last night and I watched. She looked weird and uncomfortable, slightly airbrushed and a little chubby. There was no bubbly personality; that was clearly dead. It was like taking over the CBS Evening News sucked every ounce of personality out of Couric’s once hot little body.

Meredith Viera left her gig as “host” of The View to replace Couric on NBC’s Today Show. The View is a clusterfuck of uselessness and I can’t believe it lasted more than nine months, let alone nine years. Viera sat on the far left of “The Chick Table” which made her the “host.” Barbara Walters should be the host, but she’s too good to show up for work every day, so Viera got stuck with that shit. I loathe Meredith Viera. And, frankly, I can’t even tell you why. She just screams phony and I feel really bad for the schmuck who married her.

Rosie O’Donnell left her job as, umm, what was she doing? Anyway, she took over for Viera on The View. Pretty much guaranteeing that everyone involved with the creation of that show is going straight to hell.

Sometimes I don’t get the American public. It seems like just yesterday Rosie O’Donnell was hated beyond belief. With her Flock of Seagulls haircut and that epic Rosie Magazine meltdown, her career had taken a Louganis swandive into an empty pool. And now she’s back and it’s like no one remembers that shit. When it comes to stars, I am convinced that America has amnesia. Just watch. In four months, people are going to be talking about how down to earth Tom Cruise is and how they can’t wait to see his next movie.

So what’s with all this switching places anyway? And where the hell did Star Jones go? The only move for her now is too get an equally rigid new wave haircut, divorce her obviously gay husband and become a lesbian herself. It’s the circle of life people.

Couric is the alpha female television warthog. Her pioneering move to the evening news sect, while it may prove to be a fatal mistake, was inevitable and you can’t fault her for it. I just wish that it hadn’t taken such a horrible toll on her psyche and physical appearance.

The biggest move in this domino series of events was the signing of Meredith Viera to co-host the Today Show. NBC had a million choices and, kind of like that dude at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who picks the shiny, gold chalice and melts into nothing, NBC choose poorly. Meredith Viera will drive that show, that juggernaut of a show, into the ground. And it will take a lot of work. For 7,000 years the Today Show has been the most popular morning news/talk/variety show out there and it would take a she-devil like Viera to tear it down. I fear that day is near.

It was kind of odd that all these chicks made their formidable debuts on exactly the same day, but I don’t know; maybe it was fitting. Only time will tell.